My mind will never rest. Some say I am hard-wired this way. Others say it’s a childhood coping mechanism to attempt to control the uncontrollable. For whatever reason, I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders. All rationality tells me it’s not, but this doesn’t change anything.
It starts when I wake up. I open the curtains and make the beds in a particular order. First the boy’s, then the girl’s, then ours. Unload dish washer in a certain way: plastic (close door), then flatware, plates, bowls, serving utensils, glasses. Load the dishwasher in the right order with breakfast dishes. Get the kids to school, then wash hands before putting coat and shoes back in the closet. Always keep the counters wiped clean. No crumbs.
It’s the same with showering and dressing. Be sure to pick the right clothes and not the ones that give you the wrong feeling…otherwise disaster may strike. Keep the bathroom light on while putting on socks and shoes. Make sure the door is locked before leaving the house. Four times. Is the stove off? Right – you didn’t use it.
It gets worse in the evening. Wash your hands before turning the lights on, the right number of times, in the right order. If your thoughts are on something bad, then that thing may happen to you. Get it right so you can sleep.
Every movement, all day long. Putting things away, folding laundry, getting in the car…your thoughts must be on the right thing while you do it. It’s all up to you. You are protecting yourself and your loved ones.
How do I make it better? Practice. It’s a long road. I wish I could turn it off. In my head, everything depends on me. Maybe you know what I’m talking about.